How To Survive a Cyclical Relationship
While searching for sex facts and statistics for future blog ideas last night, I was surprised to find that a reader had sent me an angry email about how I promote on-and-off relationships on Loveawake dating site blog. She proceeded to ream me out about how I disillusion women into believing that it is possible to maintain a long-term relationship with someone who consistently hurt them in the past. She then added a link to an article about cyclical relationships on a dating personals site and how majority of them don’t last and how my own relationship is on borrowed time.
You have to admire her audacity.
It’s true: I do promote my on and off relationships on this blog frequently, however I’m certainly not responsible for the disillusions women have about cyclical relationships.
Carrie and Big. Ross and Rachel. Hank and Karen. All of these TV cyclical couples were glamorized on television and brain-washed those into thinking they could have the same fairy-tale endings only to get their hearts broken in the end.
These romanticized relationships in the media have made so many people jaded that it has made majority of us cynical and intolerable to cyclical couples who actually manage to get their sh*t together.
So if you’re like me and in a happy relationship with someone who you broke up with once or twice in the past, then you know how stressful and nerve-wrecking it can be when everybody thinks your relationship is destined to fail.
Here are some of the rules I go by in order to make sure my relationship stays ON:
Differentiate Concern From Envy
The one thing you have to do in order to survive is to differentiate genuine concern from cold-hearted envy. When your friends calmly ask you if you’re thinking your actions through when you’re back with someone who cheated on you constantly in the past, then that is concern for you and concern for the fear of having to hold your hand through the break up again. However, when you’re getting verbally attacked (like I do by other dating bloggers) about how you’re dumb while they also openly predicting the demise of your relationship, then guess what? That’s pure and unbridled jealousy. Since I’ve started writing on this blog, I realized that a lot of people have been broken up with from their on-and-off boyfriends and girlfriends and the thought that you can make it work may make them furious—because then they start questioning why THEIR relationships didn’t work. When you can tell ‘concern’ and ‘envy’ apart, you will be able to effectively ignore the naysayers.
Always Communicate Your Concerns To Your Partner
One of the reasons why your relationship was on-and-off for so long is because you two probably failed to communicate to each other your wants and needs in the past. If you’re in this for the long haul, then you need to realize that ‘fights and arguments’ do not equate to ‘break ups.’ When something is wrong then it needs to be addressed. If you’re too scared to bring up an issue in fear of them leaving, then guess what? They are too immature to be with in the first place and it will never work out. Remember, relationships take work and communication is key in any healthy one.
Learn How To Enjoy ‘The Comfort Zone’
If you were constantly on and off with your current significant other in the past, then you probably have no idea how it feels to just be yourself around that person. If you want this to be long-term, then you have to come to terms with the fact that not every day with them is a rollercoaster ride. Sometimes, days spent with them are going to be boring as f*ck and that is something you need to not only accept, you need to embrace it as well. Lets take Carrie Bradshaw for example in the god awful Sex And The City 2. (a movie I will never forgive my ex Jasmine for dragging me too.) For the entirety of the show, all horseface she wanted was to be in a stable relationship with Big and the second he committed and wanted to lie on the couch with her eating take out, drinking wine and listening to Erkyah Badu, she whined and bitched about the ‘sparkle’ being gone and sought out an ex-boyfriend. If you can’t take a drama-free relationship, then you can’t be in a healthy or long-term one either. It’s really as simple as that.
Accept Each Other’s Flaws
Like the saying goes, you love someone for their flaws–not DESPITE them. If you are seeking a long-term relationship with someone in the past, you need to be able to embrace the flaws that pissed you off in the past. Take me for example: I embrace the fact that my girlfriend eats her nails (yeah…eats not bites) when she’s in writing mode and the fact that she enjoys watching awful television shows when I’m in the room and she embraces the fact that I shave off my nomad-looking facial hair she loves so much and that I enjoy torturing her with morning dutch ovens.
Realize You’re Not Soulmates
This is the most important rule you should follow because if you don’t, it won’t work. A lot of cyclical couples tend to romanticize their on and off partners during the OFF period. It is during this time when people delude themselves into believing their exes were people they weren’t. Suddenly they materialize new memories, put more precedence on not so memorable times and when they get back together, they realize the person they are with was not the person they were in love with in their delusion daydreams. I love my girlfriend but I know she is not my soulmate and I’m not hers. The fact is we fell in love and we work really hard to make it work. If you look at your significant other as “The One You Want To Be With” rather than “The One You Are MEANT to be with,” then you will be able to make it work.
Now I’m not saying that by following these rules, that it will guarantee your relationship won’t fail. The truth of the matter is only time can tell if you two are going to see it through. However, I do believe that if you do follow these rules, then maybe–just maybe you will be able to have the fairytale ending nobody thought was possible.